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It’s no secret around here that I am far from my desired weight and size. I recently went back on my go-to low carb diet and even after a complete fail on Father’s Day….. I am happy to be making progress again at a loss of 4 pounds in the last week. My weight is something I’ve struggled with most of my life and I’m bound and determined this time to get back to where I’m most comfortable, and confident. Most days I wear the same ol’ things. If I’m at home, it’s yoga pants or capris, and sometimes shorts. In public, you’ll catch me wearing one of my two pairs of capri pants that fit and a probably oversized t-shirt! It’s ridiculous, I know, and it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I felt my worst about it. We were walking into Sam’s and I heard my daughter tell Paul “mommy always wears the same clothes all the times“. Then of course, Paul, assuming I hadn’t already heard what she said, repeated it to me and thought it was funny.
I didn’t think it was funny, however, because I’m super self conscious about my…..well, my everything. I try to go unnoticed and when something is pointed out, it’s difficult for me, even about how I wear the same things “all the times“. At that moment I felt very exposed! What my family doesn’t understand, are all the reasons behind why I wear the same thing all the time. They’re the only things that fit, and the only things I feel the tiniest bit NOT like a beached whale in. They don’t hear all the words inside my head from my boys’ dad playing over and over again about how fat I am or how nasty I look. They don’t realize how deep seeded my issues really go, but how would they? However, that comment, along with others that my daughter has made, caused a light bulb to go off in my head. I realize now, just how observant my daughter is, and how she is picking up on my lack of confidence and the person I have become from the pains of the past.
Lately I notice her looking in the mirror all the time sucking in her tummy or telling her brothers that she is skinny (some days) and other days, she even goes so far as to say she doesn’t like how she looks. She has now picked up on the way people see skinny and not skinny, and since she doesn’t go to school, there is really only one person to blame, and that’s me! WHAT AM I DOING TO HER? I’m sad, I’m unhappy, and mostly I’m tired of feeling sad and unhappy. I also know that changing that is only something I can do for myself so I HAVE to make some drastic changes.
I’ve struggled all my life with body image issues and eating disorders even (which I’ve never discussed here…..but let’s just put that out there) even at my very skinniest size 6 just a few short years ago, I struggled. I DON’T want to pass that on to her. I don’t ever want her to not feel worthy or beautiful or not good enough because of her size. NEVER!
My Issues aren’t just MINE anymore! I have a little someone watching and listening to everything I do and say.
A few days later, Kynlea and I were at Target doing a little shopping and I took my first step. I veered away from the athletic clothes section, I have more than enough of those, and we went to look at cute tank tops, and cute dresses. She was really excited because she’s never seen me wear such things, and she said she wanted to be “twinsies”. With me? My daughter sees me as pretty enough to want to be twinsies with me?
So we grabbed a cute summer dress and we went to try them on. I was looking for an XL, because I honestly don’t know what size I wear beyond yoga pants and t-shirts. Unfortunately they didn’t have XL, so I grabbed a Large not expecting to even get into it. As I turned my back to Kynlea to change (she likes to point out the stretchmarks on my tummy….not her fault, they’re just very blunt at that age and curious) I put on the dress and it about fell off of me. I looked at the tag to make sure it was a Large, and it was. Hmm….. it was big enough that I could actually grab a medium, and I did just that.
Kynlea ooohed and aaaahed over the dress and told me how beautiful I was. I know she’s just 4, but part of me was thrilled at how thrilled she was. She doesn’t see a fat woman in a dress, she sees her Momma who she thinks is beautiful! So I bought that cute dress! It’s a start. I haven’t worn it out in public yet, but I plan to soon. It might be on a night when Paul and I can escape to have dinner and a movie, who knows.
So here is to:
- Not putting myself down…… at least not in the ear shot of my daughter… (baby steps)
- Work on getting back to a healthy weight not just for myself, but for my family as well…..they need me to be more involved and not hiding in the shadows
- Will wear clothes a little more out of my comfort zone until I am actually comfortable doing so
- Not put so much emphasis on the way my appearance defines me as a person or even a mom
- NOT Hiding or panicking when someone wants to take a picture together, and also taking more pictures WITH my kids
- Continue to work out, but change how I explain the benefits of working out to my daughter…i.e. instead of saying…”I’m working out so I can get skinny again”, I’ll say instead “It’s good for us to work out because it makes us stronger and healthier” By the way, she loves to work out with me and loves to motivate me to finish even when she has already given it up lol
- Putting more emphasis on what makes us uniquely special and not on looks
- A HAPPIER ME!
I’m sad how this all came about, but I’m excited now to make some changes not just for myself, but also to set a good example for my daughter. I even wore a pair of shorts……….in public…….. to the movies last night with my boys………and people, that’s HUGE for me.